I had been dancing with resistance for almost two days trying to come up with what I wanted to write for this blog post.
Writing my last post was such a personal and powerful experience for me and it received such a positive response, that I was trying to replicate that experience with this one which, of course, is impossible.
I was struggling is an understatement.
But I didn’t break my date with my Squarespace app.
I just grinded it out even though it was super uncomfortable.
While the last blog post just flowed, this one was coming through in drips.
What did I do?
I decided to write about…RESISTANCE.
What are the ways I overcome my own resistance to create?
1. Deserve the joy that comes from creating ~ This is a mindset shift that has caused me the most discomfort but I practice it every day. For most of my life I ignored my love of creating. I was attached to the belief that living a creative life was frivolous and unrealistic. So for years I felt disconnected from myself, from my truth. When I finally owned that I am a writer and an actor, I was thrust into the unknown but I also felt a joy I had never experienced before. The depth of that joy is limitless. The joy today is different from the joy yesterday. There’s always more joy to experience. What blocks me is not allowing myself to deserve the joy. I feel a mix of guilt and unworthiness but mostly it’s unfamiliar so it’s scary. No matter. Every day, every moment of the day, I choose joy and my right to feel it. I feel alive.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
2. Connect to my body and my breath ~ every day I create I always spend time connecting with my body and breath through a quiet practice, both sitting in silence and movement such as yoga, Taoist body practices and dance…anything that brings my mind inside my body. Today, I danced like no one was looking and that got the juices flowing. We forget that there’s a source of intelligence that resides inside our bodies. For me, the vast space behind my soft eyes, the openness of my heart space and the grounding of my lower belly, sacrum, hips, legs and feet are the main places I create from and I’m always surprised and delighted by what emerges from there. This also transitions both my mind and body from every day life into the space between which is a slightly different vantage point. It’s slower, quieter with lots of space which seems indulgent but necessary.
“The soul desires to dwell with the body because without the members of the body it can neither act nor feel.”
3. Persevere and show up ~ I made a commitment to write a post every 3 to 4 weeks and have continued to do so for almost a year. I stare at a blank screen and just write what comes up. The most important piece to this is NOT bailing on my date with my computer or iPad. Sometimes I’ll stare at a blank screen for a while, fine-tune one I’ve already written or start a new post, scrap it and start another one. It doesn’t matter. The messiness of the process is a given. All that matters is that I sit when I said I would sit with the intention to write and just allow my fingers to dance on the keyboard when inspiration strikes. And when that happens, there’s this delicious and amazing feeling…a feeling of flow. I tap into a current that just sweeps me away. The process is exactly the same when I’m acting. There’s always an initial struggle but at some point, something else takes over and then I’m just enjoying the ride.
“I believe the muse kind of flies over us everyday and kind of looks down to see if we’re working, if we’re doing our work. And if we are, sooner or later, the magic will happen.”
4. Feed myself with inspiration (if needed) ~ I have my go-to role models I either read or listen to on YouTube. My favourites include: Eckhart Tolle, Marie Forleo, Regan Hillyer, actors/writers on THR Roundtables, and Steven Pressfield. It’s important to know that you’re not alone. All creatives face the same biggest challenge in their work and it’s called resistance. Resistance is universal.
“The more important a project is to your soul’s evolution, the more resistance you’ll feel towards it.”
I create and share as a writer and an actor because it feeds me from the inside despite the fear that comes with that. The motivation comes from so deep deep within me, I have no choice but to keep going. Turning to inspiration from people who are putting themselves out there, creating and struggling while they’re at it, reminds me that resistance is never ever a good enough excuse to stop creating. The more I create, the more I expand and grow. And that, for me, is why I’m here.
5. LOVE my negative mental chatter ~ I’ve come to accept that choosing to be creative means the negative self-talk is inevitable. It comes up every single time I sit to write a post or after booking an acting job. The diminishing voices are deafening and the physical discomfort can be unbearable. When these moments strike, it isn’t fun to be me…but it doesn’t last, so long as I choose to love these negatives voices. This is NOT easy in the heat of the moment but it works. I turn to my quiet practice to give these voices the attention they crave. Sometimes the voices can be relentless, like today, so I also write them out so I can see them. Not to wallow in it but to practice self-compassion and self-acceptance. Eventually, with focused love and attention, the negative mental chatter gets quiet and it fades. Every time.
“When any experience of body, heart and mind keeps repeating in consciousness, it is a signal that this visitor is asking for a deeper and fuller attention.”
6. Walk away to reset ~ I make sure I take breaks when I’m creating especially when the flow has stopped momentarily. I can usually feel tightness in my body start to creep in which tells me it’s time to rest. That tightness means I’m blocking the flow so to do nothing or to do something else is very important. What I do on my break varies but it’s whatever my mind and body need in the moment. I honour and value my creative instrument. Creative work is an act of love so loving myself, taking care of myself first through the entire process is essential.
“Work is love made visible.”
7. Let it go ~ Letting go is two-fold. Part of my block in writing this one was being far too enamoured with writing my last post that I hadn’t yet let it go. I was holding on tight. I was making up that I wouldn’t be able to create something as good, that I was out of ideas. I was in scarcity mode. But as soon as I let it go, trusted that there was more to come, this one started to take shape…slowly…but it started to flow. The other part to letting go is putting it out there. Sharing it with the world. I created this website last July. My goal last year was to launch my website. This year my goal is to expand my reach and submit to publications like Bella Grace or Breathe and get my writing published (Yikes! I’m writing this to hold myself accountable). Same goes for my acting. I was in a few short films that just completed post-production. Now they’re being submitted to film festivals. Let it go and keep creating…
“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
My Extinct Love For You Premiere at the Capilano University MOPA Gala (Rio Theatre)
(Left to right): Stephanie Townsend (Writer/Director), Kira Swan (1st Assistant Director), Me (Pauline), Luisa Muniz (Producer)
© Photo courtesy of Stephanie Townsend
Copyright © Photo by Luisa Muniz - Behind-the-scenes shot on the set of “My Extinct Love For You”