With the unexpected snowfall in Vancouver, I've been staying close to home as my car doesn't like the snow. I haven't had much time to watch TV but in the last couple of days I was drawn to watch a couple of documentaries on Netflix - Heal and I Am Not Your Guru.

Both moved me deeply.

The common theme with the people documented in these films was the insurmountable suffering they endured and how they found the courage to overcome them. It brought me face-to-face again with my own suffering. I started to get uncomfortable. Tears started to fall.

I realized there's more work for me to do here.

I come from a slightly untypical family life. I am the older sister of a brother with Williams Syndrome.

My younger brother's name is Jason but we all call him, “Jay".

“Williams Syndrome is a genetic disorder that is caused by an abnormality at birth - deletion of 26 to 28 genes on chromosome #7 - which is associated with heart problems, connective tissue abnormalities, developmental delays, limited learning abilities, unique personality characteristics and distinct facial features.”

— Genetics Home Reference

“They are extremely sociable and experience the normal need to connect with others; however, people with Williams Syndrome often don’t process nuanced social cues and this makes it difficult to make lasting relationships.”

— Williams Syndrome Association

I love my brother. I remember when Jay was a baby I just wanted to be around him. Protect him. Hangout with him. But as we got older, I realized that having a sibling to walk through life with wasn't going to happen for me. That heartbreak was not instant.

It was a slow and steady build that has lasted a lifetime.

I remember being envious of my parents, cousins and friends with siblings they had relationships with. Even if those relationships might have been messy and adversarial at times, to me, it was fascinating. What would that be like? I'd always ask myself. Just to have any sibling connection was a dream for me.

It is a void that I can never fill.

I also learned early on that the world is very unforgiving towards people who are not "normal". I remember the stares, the disapproving faces, the snickering that would put me in a tailspin. It wasn't directed at me but I took it on anyway because it’s what big sisters do. For a long time, I harboured a lot of hate and fear towards people.

As a family, we didn’t have the language to communicate to each other the stress and impact it was having on all of us at the time. None of us talked about it. Instead we found relief and comfort in all the wrong things.

I buried all the rage, fear and despair inside me for years. My veneer of being a perfectionist was hiding something fierce but given the circumstances, I had to do my part in keeping it all together while my parents struggled daily with their youngest child.

It all came to a head when I left home to go to Barcelona on an exchange program in university. It was the first time I was not my brother's sister for a good chunk of time. Being in a foreign place, feelings started to come up that I didn't know what to do with. I was beside myself. One morning in my apartment, thousands of miles away from home, I didn't want to get out of bed and even contemplated suicide because the feelings were so unbearable.

For the first time, I was in touch with my own pain and I spent the following 10 years finding a way to heal.

As soon as I came home, I was on a mission. I became a seeker and I looked everywhere but the one place I needed to look. It wasn’t until 10 years later I met my dear friend, who coincidentally is named Home. I met Home during *CTI’s leadership program in California. There was something about him that instantly made me feel calm. Home and his partner Leng told me about a meditation retreat that might interest me. They didn’t say much but enough that I registered a year later.

I was never the same after that retreat.

I found what I was looking for. The capacity to hold space for my inner storm was in a quiet practice. It was the one place I could let it all breathe. It wasn't in a book, in a workshop, in a place, in another person, in a relationship, in a career, in anything outside myself.

My ability to heal was all within me.

I discovered that resilience is our natural state.

We’ve only just forgotten.

I’ve eventually come to a place of feeling grateful for my past because I know it has shaped who I’ve become today. It drives me to be the voice of the voiceless within.

My wish is that, you too, can discover your resilience.

Because until we all do that, we won’t truly know what we’re capable of.

Today, I admit that I still struggle to find a connection with Jay but after watching those documentaries, I accept that’s where I'm at and I no longer make myself wrong for it. There’s something in that struggle that I need to take a closer look at.

I don't know what's waiting for me but I know there's a gift for me there.

For both of us.

*CTI - The Coaches Training Institute